(11/29) Daily Practice

For this week, I had to come up with an alternate dotting exercise.  Since I planned on going home for the Thanksgiving break, carrying a 18x24 piece of paper on a drawing board for the entirety of an 11 hour bus ride presented too much of a risk.  I decided, instead, to dot on a single slice of sticky notes.  I leave tally marks every hundred right on the note itself.  After the 20 minute practice, I throw away the note. 

Monday -- 11/23

3,403 dots

The posted note is much harder to dot on, believe it or not.  Only one side of it sticks down, and that barely works in itself.  I have to use one hand to spread it out and one to dot.  Being limited to a confined space also changes my mentality towards the process.  I sometimes only worked in spaces this big on the larger project, but even then, I knew I had more space if I wanted it.  It almost feels claustrophobic. 

Tuesday -- 11/24

3,854 dots

I tried this in the middle of my bus ride to Pittsburgh.  It's about 6:30am, and I've slept somewhere between 1 and 4 hours?... Doing this on the bus is actually very relaxing.  It took my mind off of how uncomfortable this sort of traveling is.  I find that odd, since this dotting practice is uncomfortable in itself.  The mechanical hum of the bus diverts any other sound distraction, and i find it a lot easier to count.

Wednesday -- 11/25

3,600 dots

I find it hard to concentrate.  I've come up with a method to make the practice easier: taping the corners of the note down so that its easier to work with.  However, the distraction of being home is too much to concentrate.  Tomorrow I run a 3.2 mile turkey trot at 9am, after doing no preparation at school because that was literally impossible.  I know I will be up until 3 or 4am, because I have not seen my friends in a good while and they will be offended if I don't hang out with them.  It will be fun, but I'll be worried about tomorrow.  I also have work in an hour for the next 5 hours.

Thursday -- 11/ 26

4,023 dots

Everybody was distracted in my house getting ready for company, so I got a lot of dots down.  However, my mind again was everywhere.  I forgot how straining it is to come home for this short period of a time.  Everybody I see is upset we only get to see each other for a few moments--and the whole time I'm with them I feel as if I'm disappointing someone else.  Oh, that's right.  The food.  That's why I come home.  we have 34 pounds of turkey upstairs for 11 people.  Oh yeah, and two pumpkin pies and 1 pecan pie--do the math--that's 1/4 pie per person.  

Friday -- 11/ 27

3,540 dots

It's my second to last night here, so I feel very rushed doing this practice.  I check my timer multiple times.  As if 20 minutes is really making any difference.  I try to tell myself this as I do the practice.  If I wasn't doing this, I'd probably be doing something else why worrying about getting everything done in time for next week.  It's hard to put homework out of my mind.  I figured I would just do it during the week, but that just never happened. 

Sunday -- 11/29

3,737 dots

Yeah, I've done no homework.  It's kind of all hit me at once.  I'm back at school, but I decide to stay consistent with this week and still use the notes.  Like every other time, I feel rushed and worried throughout the practice.  However, when I throw away this note, I realize that I actually rip it up.  I have for the whole week.  For some reason, this kind of makes me feel better about the whole process.  Should I destroy the real piece?  Maybe when it's done. 

Total dots:  22, 157 dots

Reflection on Wooden Ball Project

Cedar's project presented an interesting problem: where is a place that people congregate and have nothing to do but kick a wooden ball with strangers?  Our class answered with the bus stop.  This location yielded a high result (reciprocation of kicking the object) with our class for several reasons.  We had a large group aware of the project.  We had a large group of outsiders to work with.  We built a positive momentum within our area and ran with it.

Within our group of four, creating that same environment was extremely difficult.  There are very few locations where students are stationary and are waiting for something.  We decided to try Shine Student Center on a thursday afternoon.  The four of us split up and scoured the area.  There were very few areas were students congregated for a period of time over a few minutes.  We reconvened and decided that the entrance was our best option, for people there was a small group of people and the chance of more to come.  

We set up the situation like the bus stop.  Three scattered to other areas as "fake" bystanders and one of us (me) was the aggravator.  With such a small amount of people, building momentum was extremely difficult.  I was persistent, but not aggressive.  If people asked what I was doing I simply smiled and continued to kick the rock.  The experience felt threatening, for peoples reactions were very hostile at points.  I became hypersensitive to the reactions of everyone around me.   The whole time I felt very involved with something--which is very hard to describe.  As we just started to get bystanders involved, a woman came up to somebody at the front desk, stating that when she came back, she was going to bring someone who was going to stop this.  That's when individually, we disappeared at random intervals.

It's almost disturbing how our minds are set to perceive nearly anything as a threat.  It seems like it's an animal instinct that we will never truly leave behind. 

(11/22) Daily Practice

Last Week Total: 127, 959 dots

Practice 34: Monday (11/16)

3,700 dots - 20 minutes

I've previously stated that this time inherently becomes a great brainstorming session for projects within our course.  There have been many times where I've come across a great idea for representing my daily practice in a new form, and today, I finally hit upon one that I liked so much, I actually remembered it after the the 20 minutes.  I've also come to realize that this time becomes a great brainstorming period for any other artistic project.  I come across solutions to artistic problems all the time during this 20 minutes than during any other period of the day.  This really shows me that I've found something to activate my right brain.

Practice 35: Tuesday (11/17)

4,500 dots - 20 minutes

If I continue to do this after the semester is over, I wonder if I will continue to count the dots.  I know part of me wants to fill the entire page just to say "I've done a huge pointillism self portrait"--but the motivation to keep counting doesn't feel as powerful.  I wanted to title the piece the number of dots it took to create it, but thats a lot of work for just a title.  Part of me wants to see if my concentrate skills noticeably change by the end... but how would I know?  I'll have to see how I feel when the class is over and an empty drawing sits in my room.

Practice 36: Thursday (11/18)

4,223 dots - 20 minutes and 10 seconds

For the past 35 practices, I've used an alarm on my phone to alert me when  the practice was over.  I started to know where the half way mark was just by gut feeling--sometimes I would even check the timer to find that I was only 30 or so seconds off.  Today, I made a playlist in itunes that was 20 minutes and 10 seconds long.  When the songs stopped playing, I stop dotting.  I put on music that I like, so I'd be more prone to distractions.  Surprisingly, I was more motivated to dot faster.  I actually felt less distracted with the music playing.  However, I feel like I over-thought how many dots should be in each song... I'll try this another week to see if anything changes. 

Practice 37: Friday (11/20)

3, 784 dots - 20 minutes

I was very hungry while I did today's practice, and I was surprised how much it threw me off.  The dot number was fairly high because I was working on a concentrated area of dots, not because I was paying great attention / in the zone.  I've found that tiredness also adversely affects my attention to the project and I become much more likely to forget or repeat numbers.  It's also much easier to get frustrated when I'm physically uncomfortable in some way.  I get upset at the tangents, where as in many of my other daily practices, I'm able to brush it off. 

Practice 38:  Sunday (11/22) 

1,934 dots - 10 minutes

I've attempted to go home early this week for break.  By going out of my way to have a longer and hopefully more relaxing vacation, I've jinxed myself.  Never plan to relax.  Fun and relaxation doesn't work that way, and if you try to make it work that way, it will always blown up in your face.  I've been decimated by obnoxious  bullshit in preparation for trying to leave.  I have to do so many awkwardly timed things that I can't really getting anything done--and most of my time is spent waiting around trying to do something rather than actually doing it.  I will fail to successfully prepare for going home, even if I had the next 48 hours to sit down and work.  I will now worry over the entire break about the shit I need to do, thus, ruing my break.  I had to cut this practice in half so my head could shut off.  I have no doubt that the number of dots I counted tonight was entirely inaccurate.  It's 1:50 AM, and I will not fall asleep for another two hours.  Which will prevent me from actually starting the rest of my obnoxious bullshit for tomorrow until like-- noon.  There's just too many people with too many expectations.  I can barely stand my own expectations.  Now that I've blown up on this blog entry, I'm going to go blast some mid-90s Weezer and try to rock and roll myself to sleep. 

Total dots:  146,100

Test For Final Daily Practice Representation

I went back to the basics for coming up with this project: how do I feel while I'm counting the dots?  To stimulate this feeling, I've created a video project where the viewer must count the number of red dots.  This is only a sample.  The final will be much more disorienting.  Give it a try!

(11/15) Daily Practice

Last Week Total: 109,446 dots

Practice 29: Tuesday (11/10)

3,440 dots - 20 min

I've begun to realize when things are about to take control of my attention.  A strong thought will come to my mind and I'll think to myself, "That's pretty important--it's probably going to make me forget about the counting for awhile."  And instead of concentrating on pushing it away, I let it take over.  I think about it for a few moments.  Then I start counting out loud just enough so that only I can hear.  Sometimes it takes longer to bring myself back, or the same topic may repeat itself over and over.  It doesn't seem to frustrate me--since I know becoming frustrated is entirely irrelevant to this process.

Practice 30: Wednesday (11/11)

4,029 dots - 20 min

I find it semi-ironic that the things that distract meet most while I'm doing my home work or projects--are my thoughts surrounding future work or projects.  My mind is constantly making lists of goals to accomplish so that I get everything done during the school year.  When the summer comes around, where does that motivation go?  I barely move during my summer and it bothers the hell out of me.  I rag on my goal oriented mind all the time--but where is it when I'm working on my own artwork? DAMMIT.  I want nothing more than to be driven to do my own shit all the time!  Swear to God, this summer, I'm gonna make myself be busy.

Practice 31: Thursday (11/12)

3,600 dots - 20 min

I've been visualizing different ways in which I could fill out the rest of this drawing while still keeping in mind the concepts of counting.  I got an idea to physically write out the numbers on the drawing itself.  I would use different width tips to write the numbers in different areas, trying to visually represent the space with typography.  Seeing the numbers would draw a lot more attention to what the dots are themselves.  The first number I would start with would be the next number of the total dots. Example: "One hundred seventy thousand four hundred and fifty-three, One hundred seventy thousand four hundred and fifty-four...etc."   

Practice 32: Friday (11/13)

3,423 dots - 20 min

With every practice, I have a larger area to work with.  I can continue to intensify certain areas I've already put dots, or I can continue on from the borders of where I've already drawn.  I try to chose these spontaneously, looking at the reference picture, then back to the drawing--looking for an area that "jumps" out at me.  I've started to think of measurements in saturation in terms of dot concentration.  I might say--"this needs around 200 to 300 dots to fit."  I have to make these decisions while I'm trying to concentrate on the counting itself.

Practice 33: Sunday (11/15)

4,021 dots - 20 min

I've come across a paradox.  The best ideas/conclusions that I draw from doing this project come while I'm literally doing it.  However, once I become concentrated on the theory behind what's driving this meditative practice--I totally lose interest in actually doing it.  More often, I get ideas for how to do the final project.  I'm literally flooded with concepts I could use to make a video, drawing, audio supplement... but I'm stumped once I stop the exercise.  Maybe I should try doing it once and recording down all my ideas.

Total Dots:  127, 959 dots

(11/8) Daily Practice

Last Week Total: 91, 592 dots

Practice 24: Monday (11/2)

3,625 dots - 20 min

Before today, I really only had one stradegy for bringing my mind back to the counting of the dots.  I would stop everything, take a breath, then go back to the dots.  That would momentarily work, and then a new thought would come to disturb my concentration again.  I realized I need an ongoing "breath-like" exercise to couple with the dot counting.  So, I've started staring directly at the tip of the pen as it makes its marks.  I've found that my mind stays more on the counting when I have a stronger visual to pay attention to. 

Practice 25: Tuesday (11/3)

3,600 dots - 20 min

Two odd things happened today.  1.) I had trouble physically dotting the paper.  I would often do the motion but then pen wouldn't be literally touching the drawing.  Which would frustrate me since then I'd have to really press down on the paper--leaving a bigger mark than I intended.  2.) for whatever reason, this frustration recalled back a memory of an Aunt and Uncle I haven't seen for a long time.  The two things have no correlation.  I was never frustrated with them.  Their house kept coming into my mind.  I wonder why it took this exercise to make me recall that. 

Practice 26:  Friday (11/6)

3550 dots - 20 min

I've realized that I'm not really using my fingers, or even my hand, to physically make these dots.  These two components only hold the pen still.  It's a slight movement by my wrist.  I try dotting with my fingers or my hand for a few hundred, but it continuously throws off my rhythm.  If the movement isn't smooth, it's easier to lose count of the dots... especially when your mind drifts every 2 or 3 seconds.  

Practice 27: Saturday (11/7)  

3,644 dots - 20 min

I think I'm starting to get too wrapped up in the movement behind physically making the dots.  I've started to become more aware of the tiring sensation in my right wrist and hand.  I can feel anxiety in my fingertips.  The dots start turning into globs from how hard I'm trying to force my hand down, or they become slashes when my wrist twitches under the strain of perfecting the same movement.  I think it's worthy to note that these things have did not become aware to me until this late in the practice process.

Practice 28: Sunday (11/8)

3,435 dots - 20 min

I've sort of finalized my "goal" for this daily practice--since I'm such a "product" minded person.  I acknowledged the fact that I need to have some sort of conclusion to this project, and simply ending it because the course is over doesn't really seem for this particular piece.  Instead, I've realized that this piece can NEVER be done.  I could dot this for the next 5 years... and I would probably still find a few sections that I would want to rework.  I could never be a pointalist artist.  I would never be satisfied!  Therefore, I've satisfied by desire for a product be realizing that there can never be a product.   

Total Dots: 109,446

(11/4) HW Assignment

In Response to the Reading:

Since I've had a girlfriend for the past three years, the information presented in this week's article came at no surprise to me.  I feel as if I wrote this word for word.  I've spent so much time explaining that I didn't mean what she thought I meant, or I didn't meant to say what you thought that I said... I've been doing these god damn practices every freakin' day for thirty-six months (not that I'm complaining).  Though it is frustrating at times not to be heard accurately, I cannot deny that I have learned a tremendous amount of information about human conversations.  In terms of a writer, I feel like my character dialogue is much more believable because of it.  

In addition, I feel completely comfortable talking with any woman.  I know a lot more about how I am interpreted, so I can skip over the mistakes that can easily be made.  Over the past summer, I heard a comedian who made this comment:

"In preparation for our wedding, my wife asked me what flowers I thought looked nice for the table arrangements--the pink or the yellow.

I said I don't care.

Now to me, and the rest of the guys here, that means--Honey, this is your day, do what ever makes you happiest because I love you.

To her, it meant--I don't care"

So, for the practice assignment, I wanted to try an exercise that's a little more different than word/mood/emotion interpretation.

Practice 20. Listen for Content, not Delivery 

For an Honors writing workshop, we have to edit each other's stories and provide feedback.  There is a girl who's English is very broken and comments are very fragmented.  For my last class, I really tried to look over the incorrect uses of english, and only concentrate on the nouns and actions.  In reality, we don't need words like "the, and, with."  If I say "Bill, Apple Eat"  Bill will probably understand that I want him to eat the apple.

Seeing this girls comments in writing also helped--even though she wrote how she spoke.  I guess I'm just more of a visually oriented person, or maybe I had more time to analyze things when I could pause and double check things. 

Practice 21.Be Genuinely Curious

I found it odd that after one of our classes, I tried this exact practice with talking to my girlfriend.  I sometimes dose off when she's speaking at length about something, but if I genuinely try to listen to her and her feelings about something, I feel more actively engaged.

Practice 37. Break the "I" Habit

Not using the word "I" is something I try as often as I can in my 1st person stories.  From a narrative perspective, it gets old.  It seems very stale, as if there's only one thing to talk about.  True, a character would relate everything to themselves for the most part--but the most interesting moments are when interactions replace those "I" phrases. 

  

(11/1) Daily Practice

Last Week Total: 67,673

Practice 18: Monday (10/26)

3,585 dots - 20 minutes

I've started to become more aware of the sound that the tip of the pen makes as it comes in contact with the paper.  There's actually two separate sounds.  The louder portion is because of the drawing board behind the paper.  But another sounds comes from the paper itself.  It's much more subtle.  Even when I'm concentrated on the counting I heard it--or maybe--because I was concentrating on the counting, I heard it.

Practice 19: Tuesday (10/27)

4,467 dots - 20 minutes

I've recently found it easier to let go of the inherent "goal" of completing the project--or even completing sections.  I can no center myself around just "doing" without the worry of "doing something."  I've also found that the more I can bring myself back to the counting, the more dots I create in the allotted time.  I made around 900 more dots than yesterday in the same timeframe--but I don't feel a sense of accomplishment.  That's good, I think.  I believe I won't feel a sense of failure if tomorrow I make less.

Practice 20:  Wednesday (10/28)

3,697 dots - 20 minutes

During these long periods of concentration, I've found that if I've truly drifted away from the counting of the dots, It's been for a significant amount of time.  By "significant"--I mean surprising.  When I realize that my mind has been on something else, I feel like its been there for at least several minutes.  It must be some very slow subconscious process.  I feel like I begin thinking about something, but have no realization that I'm giving it attention.  As it builds, I still stay oblivious.  Only after it consumes my main concentration do I actually take note of this.  I wonder how I could do the reverse?  Make my mind unintentionally wrap itself around the counting. 

Practice 21:  Thursday (10/29)

3,523 dots - 20 minutes

My roommate had his TV on during my practice session, and as usual, I accept the challenge of added distractions.  The main program he watches I can tune out of my head, and I seem to have no additional distractions from my normal round of daily practice.  However, once commercials come on, It's near impossible to concentrate.  I never noticed how the voices of advertisement personal are so annoying.  It seems like the volume of the TV gets louder during the commercial breaks. 

Practice 22: Saturday (10/31)  

4,073 dots - 20 min.

I don't believe I've concentrated solely on the numbers for more than 10 seconds during any of my daily practices.  The tangents come so frequent that it would be nearly impossible to document them all.  Most of the interrupting thoughts only last fractions of a second before they are pushed away by the competition of the numbers.  It would be interesting if one could get into a mindset where they can subconsciously turn off this function of the mind.   

Practice 23: Sunday (11/1)

4,574 dots - 20 min

I think the number of dots I can complete in the allotted time is very deceptive.  It really has little correlation with how much I am concentrating on the counting.  Doing certain sections of the drawing yield a higher dot count/concentration--which results in faster dotting.  Where as lighter sections need to be done more carefully.  It would be interesting to observe if doing a darker or lighter section determined the intensity of my concentration.  Maybe certain sections of the face will keep me more engaged with the counting and less likely to drift off.  

Total Dots: 91, 592 dots