Final Reflection Post!

For the past 8 years I’ve had courses designed around the concept of artistic execution; draw the line, construct the form, use this tool, use this medium, use this example, translate, redirect.  These courses gave examples on “how to’s”—helping their students take an idea or a concept and translate it into something physical.  It’s so easy to lose something in that process, to lose the direction you wanted a piece to have.  I believe most art courses aim at improving a student’s ability to execute, leaving the questions of “why” out of the picture.  How did you come up with that concept?  Why is that something you want to depict?  Are we, as artists, just as conscious of these mental decisions as the brush stroke, the pen mark, the pattern, the form?  

In terms of my artistic process, the “final product” mindset is the utmost of importance.  I’m just hardwired this way.  It’s a curse in the fact that I rarely make a project that I’m truly happy with, but a blessing in terms of discovering my true medium: collage.  I want my work to combine the elements of cartoon dynamics, the human body, printmaking, illustration, painting, repetition, graffiti, and narration.  That’s a lot to organize.  I’m struggling where to begin these large scale projects I have in mind, but my worst nightmare with a project is to come to a point where I no longer enjoy working on it.  I’ve lost something in the translation.  I cannot afford to disconnect from something I have worked on for months.  So, I decided to take a class not based in execution, but a process that looks at the fundamentals to where our inspiration comes from.  Where do my “final products” come from?  Why do I visualize them they way I do?  And most importantly, how can I take a step back from all my over analyzing to see a bigger picture, a bigger concept, and a bigger mind?  This course has offered me a chance to freely observe my destructive tendencies to be overly critical and given insight on what I truly wish to create.  I got a chance to push execution to the background and give my motivations a chance to present themselves. 

What does it mean to be really present from moment to moment? 

I’ve found that presence is something that our society loses day by day.  Our world is layered in a way that we often find ourselves forgetting about the essentials of what we need to live.  It’s easy to forget what we take for granted; our food, our shelter, our families.  But with such an information overload, how is it possible to be present in everything?  As I’ve learned in the class, the brain physically cannot compute two things at a time—and instead, rapidly switches back and forth between multiple thoughts and images at a rate we cannot acknowledge.  So, naturally, we should choose only one thing to be present in at a time.

If we can truly concentrate on one thing and one thing alone from one moment to the next, we are “really present.”  But without rewiring ourselves from how our society functions, this practice is nearly impossible.  Often, we fall into this practice only by accident.  I can certainly remember times where I was drawing or painting and suddenly, without warning or purpose, I awaken to find I’ve been working for hours.  People often refer to this as zoning out, when really, they should be identifying this as zoning in. 

How do artists, designers, and others cultivate abilities to be present?

The 10,000 hour rule applies to any skill that can be practiced.  Though “being open” is an ability/skill that seems complicated to train oneself in, that does not make it impossible.  A variety of mediation methods can be practiced at daily intervals to cultivate the minds ability to stay open in the creative process.  I believe the core of this process revolves around an individual’s will to strength the connection between creative area of their mind to problem solving portion—disconnecting any distractions that may censor ideas.

In addition, I believe that as artists complete projects, they strengthen their abilities to make that “great transition” from mind to matter—which in itself strengthens the skill of believing in one’s ideas.

Is there such a thing as a contemplative aesthetic? 

There are certainly aesthetics that initiate thought process.  There are countless artists whose sole objective is to create thoughts and patterns and conclusions in the minds of their audience.  Any time an artist creates a piece to provoke thought, they’ve created a piece utilizing contemplative aesthetics.  However, just because it’s an artist’s goal doesn’t make it successful.  If an artist devotes an extensive amount of time to create a piece that provokes thought only in their mind, the meaning gets lost.  The aesthetic doesn’t necessarily cease to exist, it’s just on a very limited scale.  And at the same time, an artist might create something with meaningless effort that could evoke thought in a large audience.  Is the aesthetic still there?  I tend to think so. 

Is there a relationship between contemplative practice and creativity?

I’ve been under the impression that creativity is a contemplative practice.  I view my creativity as a contemplative practice.  When I envision an artwork, I break it up into the process in which it can be created.  There’s mock up sketches, color tests, and practice runs.  There’s outlining, detailing, and fillers.  My creativity lies in my culmination of multiple ideas, weighing the appropriate juxtapositions of conceptual elements to the perfect levels without spilling it all over the damn carpet.  Without contemplative practice and process, creativity dies in the mind of the artist as a dream melts away in the mind of a dreamer.  It supplies the foundations of reality.  It asks, how can this come to be, and, why should this come to be?  

I think the defining elements of how a person views themselves as “an artist” or “not an artist” depends on the strength of their relationship between contemplative practice and creativity.  I want to be a teacher so I can build those connections. 

Does contemplative practice influence interactions and communications between persons and among communities?

I believe that contemplative practice is a very individualized process.  Our minds work in more ways than can ever be calculated, so very rarely do you “see” as another person “sees.”  We could spend our whole lives trying to communicate exactly how our minds think, and get no closer than the day we started.  So technically, I guess I would answer this question “no” to a certain extent.  However there are multiple ways on viewing this statement.  

I believe the effect that contemplative have on people’s lives, feelings, and emotions influence them to be more active members of their community.  The practices themselves don’t necessarily connect the people, their reactions to them do.  If a bunch of soccer moms get together to try a yoga class, that’s an example of this process bringing people together.  The actual practice of yoga concentrates on individualization, but their conversations about it over coffee after the session can certainly be seen as an “influence of interactions.”  Individuals involved with structure religions can say they are connected with other members through prayer—which can be seen as a contemplative practice.  

(Personal Question) How can contemplative practice be destructive?

The human mind is easily the most powerful biological force we know of to date.  An individual’s perception of reality becomes their reality.  Through years of mental health research, we come across countless cases of reinforced negative behavior, both intentional and unintentional.  We reinforce patterns and behavior without the slightest clue, then lose our sanity when we inadvertently try to break routine.  You can practice being a negative person like you practice shooting a basketball, for our minds have the frightening ability to work in such ways.  Discrimination is at the heart of reinforced misconceptions, as is hate and anger and fear.  

Those who consciously seek to be more open minded will achieve their goal (to some extent) upon practicing it for a large portion of their lives, but what of those who attempt to abuse this process of the mind?  Look at the brainwashing of children in certain war-stricken areas of Africa, and how the contemplative practice of dehumanizing young boys to the point where they are numb to violence and death.  Contemplative practice shows us the great potential we have as people, but at the same time, is witness to our horrific power.  

(12/06) Dailys

Last Week Total: 146,100 dots

Practice 39 - Monday (11/30)

3,403 dots -- 20 minutes

I tired propping the drawing board up against my desk instead of leaning over it while I dot the page.  For whatever reason, I felt much more relaxed during the practice.  I feel that when I'm hunched over the page I feel much more motivated to go faster and rush.  In the old position it seems like I've gotten more dots in the allotted time period, however that's not really the purpose of the practice for me.  I think I will continue to use this method because I feel much more at ease during the process.  And my back won't hurt like hell anymore.  

Practice 40 - Tuesday (12/01)

3,993 dots -- 20 minutes

I continued on with the new method of leaning the drawing board against my desk.  I felt like I was going slower, but I guess I was just over thinking things again.  I didn't really take note of this yesterday, but my daily practice reminded me of when I went to the gym last night.  When I lift, everything is about counting.  I count the repetitions of the exercise and I count my rest intervals.  On longer rests, ones lasting 60 to 90 seconds, I often get lost and forget where I am in the counting.  Last night I noticed something peculiar that's been happening.  On those rest intervals, I'll get lost in my head, but I still know where I am in the counting.  It's very odd.  I think I've increased my skills in subconscious counting.  

Practice 41 - Wednesday (12/02)

I bit the bullet.  Keeping a record of the dots I made had nothing to do with maintaining the concentration of counting.  All I really need to do is count.  With the added element of dot documentation, no matter how I looked at it, each day was stereotyped by how many were completed.  I may look past the fact I kept good concentration because I only got a low 3,000 count.  So I've taken Anne's advice and simplified my process.  I count to ten, then start over.  Almost instantaneously, an entire level of stress disappears from this practice.  It feels awkward for a little bit; I count higher sometimes since I forget or my hand goes to make a tally on a sheet of paper that doesn't exist.  It's liberating, but a bit unnerving.  I can't really shake the feeling that I'm "forgetting" something.

Practice 42 - Thursday (12/03)

The name of this project was going to be the number of dots I counted upon its completion.  Even if I was still keeping record of the counting, this still didn't necessarily sit well with me.  1.) It was going to be wrong.  If I would name it something like that, I had to be right about it.  I wouldn't want to explain it to people, but I know I would have been saying something like, "Well, its called 1,003,782... but I don't know--I think I messed up".  I feel like I wanted to name it "10" or  "I stopped counting at ten" or something along those lines. Naming and classifying things is something of great importance to me.  People may identify it as OCD, but I don't really think they're hearing me right.  I have almost nothing organized,  I may strive for it, and some aspect of my life has organization, but things usually stay complicated for long periods of time before I put them all together.  

Practice 43 - Saturday (12/04) 

I go back to that "organization" mindset again.  I feel like I'm making packs of ten dots,  and I wish I could outline them to see the different sets.  There's something frightfully powerful about seeing a large number of things organized or categorized; it's the appeal we see in library's and marching bands and graveyards.  Individualization can still exist within a group as long as it flows well with everything around it.  What if I organized a pointalist photograph using the tops of peoples heads.  If it was disorganized you'd only see massive amount of people.  But it would be powerful and thought-provoking if those same people were grouped to create a picture.  Only then does it become apparent, "Are those really people?"  Am I making dots, or shades?  Eyes, skin, nose, mouth--or pen strokes?

Practice 44 - Sunday (12/05)

i realized that I was important that I started off counting the dots.  I don't think I would have found the motivation to do this daily practice without having some sort of measurement of success.  With the numbers, there was a goal to reach.  Produce a lot of dots.  At the same time, almost like a side note, I could get some sort of meditation practice.  I feel like that has switched itself around, that this has become a process of meditation, that as a side result, will produce a product.  I don't necessarily value that product highly, which is exactly what I want

(11/29) Daily Practice

For this week, I had to come up with an alternate dotting exercise.  Since I planned on going home for the Thanksgiving break, carrying a 18x24 piece of paper on a drawing board for the entirety of an 11 hour bus ride presented too much of a risk.  I decided, instead, to dot on a single slice of sticky notes.  I leave tally marks every hundred right on the note itself.  After the 20 minute practice, I throw away the note. 

Monday -- 11/23

3,403 dots

The posted note is much harder to dot on, believe it or not.  Only one side of it sticks down, and that barely works in itself.  I have to use one hand to spread it out and one to dot.  Being limited to a confined space also changes my mentality towards the process.  I sometimes only worked in spaces this big on the larger project, but even then, I knew I had more space if I wanted it.  It almost feels claustrophobic. 

Tuesday -- 11/24

3,854 dots

I tried this in the middle of my bus ride to Pittsburgh.  It's about 6:30am, and I've slept somewhere between 1 and 4 hours?... Doing this on the bus is actually very relaxing.  It took my mind off of how uncomfortable this sort of traveling is.  I find that odd, since this dotting practice is uncomfortable in itself.  The mechanical hum of the bus diverts any other sound distraction, and i find it a lot easier to count.

Wednesday -- 11/25

3,600 dots

I find it hard to concentrate.  I've come up with a method to make the practice easier: taping the corners of the note down so that its easier to work with.  However, the distraction of being home is too much to concentrate.  Tomorrow I run a 3.2 mile turkey trot at 9am, after doing no preparation at school because that was literally impossible.  I know I will be up until 3 or 4am, because I have not seen my friends in a good while and they will be offended if I don't hang out with them.  It will be fun, but I'll be worried about tomorrow.  I also have work in an hour for the next 5 hours.

Thursday -- 11/ 26

4,023 dots

Everybody was distracted in my house getting ready for company, so I got a lot of dots down.  However, my mind again was everywhere.  I forgot how straining it is to come home for this short period of a time.  Everybody I see is upset we only get to see each other for a few moments--and the whole time I'm with them I feel as if I'm disappointing someone else.  Oh, that's right.  The food.  That's why I come home.  we have 34 pounds of turkey upstairs for 11 people.  Oh yeah, and two pumpkin pies and 1 pecan pie--do the math--that's 1/4 pie per person.  

Friday -- 11/ 27

3,540 dots

It's my second to last night here, so I feel very rushed doing this practice.  I check my timer multiple times.  As if 20 minutes is really making any difference.  I try to tell myself this as I do the practice.  If I wasn't doing this, I'd probably be doing something else why worrying about getting everything done in time for next week.  It's hard to put homework out of my mind.  I figured I would just do it during the week, but that just never happened. 

Sunday -- 11/29

3,737 dots

Yeah, I've done no homework.  It's kind of all hit me at once.  I'm back at school, but I decide to stay consistent with this week and still use the notes.  Like every other time, I feel rushed and worried throughout the practice.  However, when I throw away this note, I realize that I actually rip it up.  I have for the whole week.  For some reason, this kind of makes me feel better about the whole process.  Should I destroy the real piece?  Maybe when it's done. 

Total dots:  22, 157 dots

Reflection on Wooden Ball Project

Cedar's project presented an interesting problem: where is a place that people congregate and have nothing to do but kick a wooden ball with strangers?  Our class answered with the bus stop.  This location yielded a high result (reciprocation of kicking the object) with our class for several reasons.  We had a large group aware of the project.  We had a large group of outsiders to work with.  We built a positive momentum within our area and ran with it.

Within our group of four, creating that same environment was extremely difficult.  There are very few locations where students are stationary and are waiting for something.  We decided to try Shine Student Center on a thursday afternoon.  The four of us split up and scoured the area.  There were very few areas were students congregated for a period of time over a few minutes.  We reconvened and decided that the entrance was our best option, for people there was a small group of people and the chance of more to come.  

We set up the situation like the bus stop.  Three scattered to other areas as "fake" bystanders and one of us (me) was the aggravator.  With such a small amount of people, building momentum was extremely difficult.  I was persistent, but not aggressive.  If people asked what I was doing I simply smiled and continued to kick the rock.  The experience felt threatening, for peoples reactions were very hostile at points.  I became hypersensitive to the reactions of everyone around me.   The whole time I felt very involved with something--which is very hard to describe.  As we just started to get bystanders involved, a woman came up to somebody at the front desk, stating that when she came back, she was going to bring someone who was going to stop this.  That's when individually, we disappeared at random intervals.

It's almost disturbing how our minds are set to perceive nearly anything as a threat.  It seems like it's an animal instinct that we will never truly leave behind. 

(11/22) Daily Practice

Last Week Total: 127, 959 dots

Practice 34: Monday (11/16)

3,700 dots - 20 minutes

I've previously stated that this time inherently becomes a great brainstorming session for projects within our course.  There have been many times where I've come across a great idea for representing my daily practice in a new form, and today, I finally hit upon one that I liked so much, I actually remembered it after the the 20 minutes.  I've also come to realize that this time becomes a great brainstorming period for any other artistic project.  I come across solutions to artistic problems all the time during this 20 minutes than during any other period of the day.  This really shows me that I've found something to activate my right brain.

Practice 35: Tuesday (11/17)

4,500 dots - 20 minutes

If I continue to do this after the semester is over, I wonder if I will continue to count the dots.  I know part of me wants to fill the entire page just to say "I've done a huge pointillism self portrait"--but the motivation to keep counting doesn't feel as powerful.  I wanted to title the piece the number of dots it took to create it, but thats a lot of work for just a title.  Part of me wants to see if my concentrate skills noticeably change by the end... but how would I know?  I'll have to see how I feel when the class is over and an empty drawing sits in my room.

Practice 36: Thursday (11/18)

4,223 dots - 20 minutes and 10 seconds

For the past 35 practices, I've used an alarm on my phone to alert me when  the practice was over.  I started to know where the half way mark was just by gut feeling--sometimes I would even check the timer to find that I was only 30 or so seconds off.  Today, I made a playlist in itunes that was 20 minutes and 10 seconds long.  When the songs stopped playing, I stop dotting.  I put on music that I like, so I'd be more prone to distractions.  Surprisingly, I was more motivated to dot faster.  I actually felt less distracted with the music playing.  However, I feel like I over-thought how many dots should be in each song... I'll try this another week to see if anything changes. 

Practice 37: Friday (11/20)

3, 784 dots - 20 minutes

I was very hungry while I did today's practice, and I was surprised how much it threw me off.  The dot number was fairly high because I was working on a concentrated area of dots, not because I was paying great attention / in the zone.  I've found that tiredness also adversely affects my attention to the project and I become much more likely to forget or repeat numbers.  It's also much easier to get frustrated when I'm physically uncomfortable in some way.  I get upset at the tangents, where as in many of my other daily practices, I'm able to brush it off. 

Practice 38:  Sunday (11/22) 

1,934 dots - 10 minutes

I've attempted to go home early this week for break.  By going out of my way to have a longer and hopefully more relaxing vacation, I've jinxed myself.  Never plan to relax.  Fun and relaxation doesn't work that way, and if you try to make it work that way, it will always blown up in your face.  I've been decimated by obnoxious  bullshit in preparation for trying to leave.  I have to do so many awkwardly timed things that I can't really getting anything done--and most of my time is spent waiting around trying to do something rather than actually doing it.  I will fail to successfully prepare for going home, even if I had the next 48 hours to sit down and work.  I will now worry over the entire break about the shit I need to do, thus, ruing my break.  I had to cut this practice in half so my head could shut off.  I have no doubt that the number of dots I counted tonight was entirely inaccurate.  It's 1:50 AM, and I will not fall asleep for another two hours.  Which will prevent me from actually starting the rest of my obnoxious bullshit for tomorrow until like-- noon.  There's just too many people with too many expectations.  I can barely stand my own expectations.  Now that I've blown up on this blog entry, I'm going to go blast some mid-90s Weezer and try to rock and roll myself to sleep. 

Total dots:  146,100

Test For Final Daily Practice Representation

I went back to the basics for coming up with this project: how do I feel while I'm counting the dots?  To stimulate this feeling, I've created a video project where the viewer must count the number of red dots.  This is only a sample.  The final will be much more disorienting.  Give it a try!

(11/15) Daily Practice

Last Week Total: 109,446 dots

Practice 29: Tuesday (11/10)

3,440 dots - 20 min

I've begun to realize when things are about to take control of my attention.  A strong thought will come to my mind and I'll think to myself, "That's pretty important--it's probably going to make me forget about the counting for awhile."  And instead of concentrating on pushing it away, I let it take over.  I think about it for a few moments.  Then I start counting out loud just enough so that only I can hear.  Sometimes it takes longer to bring myself back, or the same topic may repeat itself over and over.  It doesn't seem to frustrate me--since I know becoming frustrated is entirely irrelevant to this process.

Practice 30: Wednesday (11/11)

4,029 dots - 20 min

I find it semi-ironic that the things that distract meet most while I'm doing my home work or projects--are my thoughts surrounding future work or projects.  My mind is constantly making lists of goals to accomplish so that I get everything done during the school year.  When the summer comes around, where does that motivation go?  I barely move during my summer and it bothers the hell out of me.  I rag on my goal oriented mind all the time--but where is it when I'm working on my own artwork? DAMMIT.  I want nothing more than to be driven to do my own shit all the time!  Swear to God, this summer, I'm gonna make myself be busy.

Practice 31: Thursday (11/12)

3,600 dots - 20 min

I've been visualizing different ways in which I could fill out the rest of this drawing while still keeping in mind the concepts of counting.  I got an idea to physically write out the numbers on the drawing itself.  I would use different width tips to write the numbers in different areas, trying to visually represent the space with typography.  Seeing the numbers would draw a lot more attention to what the dots are themselves.  The first number I would start with would be the next number of the total dots. Example: "One hundred seventy thousand four hundred and fifty-three, One hundred seventy thousand four hundred and fifty-four...etc."   

Practice 32: Friday (11/13)

3,423 dots - 20 min

With every practice, I have a larger area to work with.  I can continue to intensify certain areas I've already put dots, or I can continue on from the borders of where I've already drawn.  I try to chose these spontaneously, looking at the reference picture, then back to the drawing--looking for an area that "jumps" out at me.  I've started to think of measurements in saturation in terms of dot concentration.  I might say--"this needs around 200 to 300 dots to fit."  I have to make these decisions while I'm trying to concentrate on the counting itself.

Practice 33: Sunday (11/15)

4,021 dots - 20 min

I've come across a paradox.  The best ideas/conclusions that I draw from doing this project come while I'm literally doing it.  However, once I become concentrated on the theory behind what's driving this meditative practice--I totally lose interest in actually doing it.  More often, I get ideas for how to do the final project.  I'm literally flooded with concepts I could use to make a video, drawing, audio supplement... but I'm stumped once I stop the exercise.  Maybe I should try doing it once and recording down all my ideas.

Total Dots:  127, 959 dots